So I was just clearing out my computer and saving everything over to my external hard drive (because, you know, my computer nearly died last week. So I got scared), and I noticed that I had a file with a page of 'monologue type' jokes on it. Sooooo.....I thought I'd share them with you. Woo!
So, I should probably warn you at this point (like always) that some really aren't that great. But I've got to practice somehow. So here we go. (By the way, I was just reading through them and noticed that some of these jokes sound like I was really angry when I wrote them. I don't think I was....?? And the SNL joke; sorry if I offend anyone ~_~)
And if you were wondering, these jokes were written in May of this year (2015). They are based upon REAL (Yes, real. That dumpster one though...) news stories that I found on the NBC News website. Enjoy!
My Monologue Jokes:
+Vladimir
Putin has reportedly gone missing. In related news, the Russian government have
issued a new book series titled; “Where’s Vladimir?”
+Research
has found that eating late at night can mess with your head. They must have got
something wrong because the only thing people consume at night is alcohol;
which does mess with your head.
+Experts are
now saying that having high levels of testosterone can damage your heart. The
research was obviously conducted by women whose boyfriends are narcissistic
bodybuilders – “Man I love my muscles”
+A new
invention that allows robots to write notes for you in your own handwriting
have been created. In other words, now you can write hate mail to your enemies
and be like –“It wasn’t me man! It was my robot!”
+Recently, a
19 year old girl from Colorado has tried to join ISIS. Thanks a lot SNL.
+A woman was
reported to have given birth to a 14 pound baby. Apparently during her
pregnancy all that she ate was Take-out McDonalds and Burger King.
+Robert
Downey Jr. has surprised a boy with one arm after he gave the boy a bionic arm.
That is not to be confused with the other “bionic arm” that he gives his wife.
+Apple has
stated that they are trying to ‘bridge’ the gap between function and fashion
with the new Apple Watch. Executives at Chanel and Louis Vuitton have made a
statement about this saying that the new apple watch doesn’t comply with this season’s
style.
+On the news
was a report that said peanut allergies could now be cured with a patch. The
patches are by the same company who brought you nicotine patches and coffee
patches. In other words, they aren't going to work.
+An article
has been released after the Boston Blizzard describing how you should shovel
snow without hurting your back. People in Boston have replied; saying they
really don’t care.
+A new
addition to Facebook messenger will allow users to send actual money, or
credit, through the messaging app. Yeah, just make sure you don’t send it to
the wrong person.
+Apple and
Google have released new products that both incorporate the new hardware of the
USB-C drive, allowing you to connect everything and anything into it. The bad
news is; you have to buy new cables.
+The new
batman vs superman trailer came out last week after it was leaked. Nerds around
the country have rallied, saying that no trailer is better than a leaked
trailer.
+A five legged
lamb was born in the U.K.. And then its twin brother was like, ‘why do I only
have three legs?!’
+A teen was
reported to find a grown man sleeping inside a dumpster. When woken up and
questioned by police, the man said “Where’s my fiesta at??”
+There was a
new story on today that asked, ‘is it ok to eat mouldy food?’ The answer….NO!
I really hope you had fun reading them. I mean, I'm no joke writing pro, but you've got to start somewhere. If you think some aren't funny (or all of them) that's cool too. I really don't see how some of them are funny, and I was the one who wrote them! Please leave a comment telling me what you think of my jokes, and anything you think I could do to improve them. AWESOME!
Until Next Time...
Morgan ^^
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